I haven’t been doing P90x and I feel horrible about it. I got the dvds I needed today, though, so I can finally do them.
My potters wheel? Turns out that it needs to be fixed and the lady of whom we bought it from lied to us. Bitch.
I have tired doing sketches but I am having a really hard time finding a clean art-pad. I might have to go back to painting. Which is messy and Dad gets pissed.
I didn’t go to swim practice today because I felt downright awful.
My brother helped me with SAT’s today and I finally understand how to figure out the word problems.
My anxiety hasn’t really gotten any better because I haven’t been, in my opinion, finishing anything. I feel lazy and stupid. Mom says to just set a schedule because she knows I do well with those. She doesn’t really make me feel motivated at the moment because she just reminds me of all of the other things I need and should be doing or should have or needed to be finished already. I am beyond frustrated with everyone and myself.
I need to clean my room
I need to attend swim team
I need to finish my paintings
I need to throw on the wheel
I need to make three pies
I need to study for the SAT’s
I need to do school
I need to do yard work
I need read the books people have given me
I need to weed the garden
I need to use my skateboard
I need to schedule a dentist appointment
I need to keep the house clean
I need to pray
I need to learn to play an instrument
I need to practice singing
I need to finish writing songs for the band
I need to get a job so I can pay for my tattoo
I need to learn to drive
I am going to go batshit insane. That or kill someone.
The most common thing I have heard about panic attacks are that panic attacks are always ‘quite a show’ and that they are dramatic. They’re not, usually; however, that doesn’t mean that they are not any less terrifying, painful, or have any less of an effect on a person. Mine have never been super dramatic or that I can remember.
I have had panic attacks since I was five years old. I get them multiple times per day and what is worse, is that I can’t predict them. I feel out of control. On top of dealing with panic attacks, I deal with depression, eating disorders, and hallucinations . My life has been, what seems, an everlasting battle between self-control and the urge to just let go; go into an insanity spiral.
A good portion of people ask me to describe a panic attack because they find it hard to believe, and I don’t blame them, that I have that many a day. A panic attack for me is as if someone is crushing my heart, while punching me in the stomach, then squeezing my head, and all I want to do is run away screaming or throw things.Yet I am terrified of moving. When I do have a panic attack, my hallucinations goes into overdrive: I see and hear things that only make it worse because I have yet figured out how to control that. On occasion, my seeing things will trigger a panic attack; aside from the random ones.
I am doing my best to deal with all of this with a sense of grace and intelligence. It is hard but I am lucky enough to have the help of my family and friends. That is what this blog will be about: my journey to finding control over my own mind. Hopefully it will work and maybe it will help someone else like me as well.