For me, school has always been laced with an overwhelming sense of failure and fear. Then this year, I changed my major from the Physical Therapy track (which ultimately would not have given me the ability to get job, even after earning a bachelors) to ATEC for Animation, and I felt joy–unstoppable—when I thought of school. I do not remember when I last felt that.
So, when I see students openly falling asleep, doodling, or looking at social media in class, I tend to get mad because I spent five damn years in hell. A hell I didn’t get to really choose and one that landed me in awful situations. I see students who got to choose and are mocking that gift, and I want to scream at them.
You take for granted this opportunity that I was denied for five years. You cannot comprehend the absolute despair and dread that comes with knowing that you are working so hard, losing years, for a life that makes you wish for death. When you get to choose what you study, your mind is your own. When you don’t, it feels owned and so does your future.
It was a downright awful road to where I am now. I had to fight for something as simple as having joy in my life. I fought to prove that my path is not a mistake. I fought to prove that I can achieve so much more than a giving up. Most importantly, though, I do not take this ability to say, “I decide to learn this and do this with my life” for granted and I never will.
I do not blow off class.
“Snake Eyes” (c) CKM