Fragile Feathers

It is beyond my abilities as a writer to explain the rage-inducing terror; the agony that drowns the lungs; the helplessness bleeding strength, and the freezing that loneliness begins.
It is one thing to feel one but to feel all at once I think answers a few questions.
I had high hopes for Adderall because of what–from those I knew to those on forums–people were saying about it and how great it made their lives. What did it do for me? For a few days it helped my sleeping schedule because it made me so damn tired but then things went to shit, again. I was, and still am, waiting for the “amazing focus” people talked about but nothing has changed. I am still the Fantastic Failure that I have always been.
I don’t know how to be anymore, and I am trying so unbelievably hard.
I was at the local lake with my bike late a few days past and I had a view of a few roads. I was trying to decide which one to take once the time read 1:00. There was one road I was fixated on because I had never been down it and that appealed to me. I have always been afraid of the unknown but in that moment I wanted the unknown, and I wanted to be engulfed by it.
My point in telling you that? It answers the question of how bad is it. I feel so far gone that I don’t fear dropping everything and vanishing.