Blackouts

As of late, things have been turned upside down. I thought by this point I’d be happy or excited but I’m not. I’m doing my best to not drown in my nebulous “mood disorder” and weight gain.
I recently switched medications and while it keeps me stable, it makes me feel sick and my body doesn’t seem to like it much, either. Nothing alarming but still unpleasant.
I got my second tattoo– that should make me happy, right?
I am finally heading off to a four-year college and all I feel is dread. I’m going to the gym.
My room is clean.

All these things and I still feel like I am falling apart. I feel like a pariah to people I thought were my friends. Sleeping is becoming so hard now because I go through this horrible cycle of panic, but the inner-walls never come down enough for me to cry. There is no relief. There is just me blacking out once the panic reaches its peak. I try lie in bed and meditate but that does nothing, and sometimes I will pace, but it always ends up with me waking up in bed. I usually have one memory before things go black.

I don’t know what to make of it. At least I end up in bed and not on the floor.

Part 1 Review of: ISV Radio with Jaime Roque

This is two part review. I am reviewing the first part half of Standards of Beauty and the Nutrition of the Mind, an ISV podcast.

As a person who has been subjected to, and let’s be blunt, media-brainwashing on standards of beauty, I can honestly say that listening to ISV, In Summa Vigilia, with Jaime Roque was refreshing. I agreed with the underlying statement of the first half of the show that we are beautiful and unique because of what’s inside; however that’s not to say we are not also beautiful on the outside. We are, even if we don’t fall into what the media tells us is beautiful.
Jaime Roque and his frequent guest, Alvaro Acevedo, followed with how the majority race, Caucasian, is portrayed as the standard of beauty. Jaime expressed his wish that there was an equal mix of races in the media and no Photoshop. I agree with this whole-heartedly. I myself wish there were more average looking people in the media, especially movies and television. People are beautiful in their own way, but come on—who looks that good all the time?!
Back to race and the media; I thought of something interesting: If you asked people of different races, you’d be told that the media portrays the opposite of the interviewee’s race as the ideal of beauty.  It makes me wonder if the media is pitting us against each other, even in the realms of beauty.

This is the kind of podcast/radio show I like to take my time listening to because it is food-for-thought. It deserves your attention. So far, Readers, my opinion is you should give it a listen.

Show: http://www.insummavigilia.com/

Standards of Beauty and the Nutrition of the Mind: http://www.insummavigilia.com/podcasts/2015/1/3/standards-of-beauty-and-the-nutrition-of-the-mind

Host: @JAIMEROQUE on Twitter

itunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/podcast-in-summa-vigilia/id955288294?mt=2