150 and Post Suicidal 21

This past semester was hell, and last year was much the same. I gained thirty pounds, most of that was recently from medication and stress, and I tried to kill myself twice (or three?). Fun, fun, fun.
I now weigh 150lbs and am so drained from trying to end my life that I have reached a glorious point in my life: IDGAF. School has taken so much from me but I am still alive and fighting. I recently celebrated my twenty-first birthday, which I didn’t think I’d live to see but here I am.
It was surreal walking into a club with my sister and I don’t know if she felt the world changing revelation occurring behind her. I walked in and thought, I don’t belong here–no. Yes. I. Do. I have fought through hell and clawed my way back to sunshine. I belong because I’m still trying.
I felt like a phoenix. I was allowing myself to heal and forge a stronger self. I set my self-doubt on fire.
That feeling has caused some panic attacks because I actually don’t know what to do with myself now. I’m used to being grounded by my self-doubt but what do I now that I am free? A little voice said, show them what you’re made of, but soon that little voice turned into a warcry and got louder and louder.
Every self doubt that my old mind tried hurling at me I fought off easily.
You’ve gain so much weight, people will talk.
Horseshit! And if they do, they need to get a life. It’s not my problem what people talk about!
You’re going to fail the semester at UTD.
NO. I. WONT. I pulled a class from failing to a good grade and I’ve done it twice now. I can ace this semester and I WILL.
You’re a bad person, your family sees you as a burden.
Lies. Lies I refuse to believe. The only thing bad about me is you.
But I am you.
No, you’re not. You’re something I created because I was afraid of my own potential. No longer will you live.

I will not fear my own potential.
I will not cave to self-doubt.
I will not be ashamed of my past.
I will be glorious and unafraid.