It’s the Little Things

There is something immensely freeing about not being in a relationship. I don’t have a commitment issue, the relationship had declined and we both agreed that it wasn’t meant to be. I followed my heart in this and it was so satisfying. I have always followed the hearts of others and it always felt wrong. Not this time and I feel like singing.
He, my friend and ex, was right is that UT Dallas will be a fresh start for me. New town.  New college. New Cissy.

I finally get the adventure I have been waiting for. I can finally shine and start a small portion of my life.

Broken

C stands for currently taking.

All daily.

Lexapro 40mg

Klonopin 4mg – C

Abilify 15mg (Devil drug)

Lamictal 300mg

Lithium 1200mg

Synthroid – 50mcg

Cadista 4mg (six a day, descending from six)

Trazodone 200mg – C

Dilco/Misopr 50-0.2mg – C

Pantoprazole 40mg – C

Carafate 5g – C

Tremodol 100mg – C

A lot of drugs in just four years, no? I have been medicated since I was seventeen/eighteen. I can tell you right now that when I went off most my medications for three months a couple of months ago, I felt great. For a time. Then I started noticing old habits creeping back. The good thing was that the worse habits didn’t.
It was nice to test my strength but I wonder how much of that short-lived happiness was my first manic phase? Did I have a manic phase? Or was my “old self” starting to fight the demons?
I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD and a Mood Disorder. A Mood Disorder simply means that I have a bit of everything, so I can’t be classified as just one. It makes it hard to treat because doctors have to tackle multiple symptoms with one or a few drugs that are meant to treat only one type of disorder. Therapy seems like an endless road because the more I think about what’s wrong the larger the cave gets. It doesn’t help that each issue is the kind that most people spend their entire time with a therapist on, whereas I have to bring up more and more issues. What’s worse? Everything is connected, like a spiderweb, and that is a bad thing because connected like a web isn’t like having a root cause.
Can you understand why I dread therapy? Why I dread answering what’s wrong? People hate the honest answer of ‘where do I begin?‘ I want answers just like they do, probably more than they do. I want to know when I was broken. When and what happened that has made it so I need someone to tape me back together regularly?