Maybe you know that I have not been in a healthy state of mind.
I have tried to kill myself twice within two years.
Most recent was in November and the messed up part was I felt no emotional pain.
It was automatic an decision and I remember thinking as I filled the tub,
“This needs to be done. It is time to go,” and it was followed later as I tried,
“Not deep enough the bath should be red. Try again, the pain means you’re doing it right.”
I have raised scars and they have a gray-ish hue.
It saddens me that I have sunken to the point
where my mother and father will check on me if they hear the tub running and I have had a bad day.
Where is my strength?
My problems are a darkness that people run away from.
I have lost friends and that does hurt but I hide behind anger, it’s where I feel safe.
I feel myself pushing people away because I do not want to feel the hurt of losing them.
I am trying to fight the knee-jerk reaction to make myself emotionless and made of steel
because I know that isn’t the answer.
That won’t make me stronger, not when something comes along and breaks my armor.
I have told myself that I cannot afford to feel pain
or to acknowledge that I wanted to cry all the time.
I told myself that grades were more important
and so was keeping up appearance but I was failing in both.
People could see right through me.
I hated that they could because I didn’t want anyone to truly see it.
To see the monster, the infection,
that was growing inside me and has become part of my personality.
I ask myself all the time if I have enough strength to get through one more day,
if I have the enough reasons to deal with my self-hatred.
Will I carve my arm to make myself feel? Will I stop trying to be perfect?
Can I verbally admit that I am hurting worse than ever and it’s partially my own doing?
Can I heal?