I haven’t been doing to so well. Mentally or physically.
School is hard because of the tests. It feels like no amount of studying is enough, no amount drugs or self-technique will calm me down to remember anything. It’s a heavy contrast to last semester where things were easy knowledge and my grades were higher. Yet, I started out alone and depressed then, whereas this time I started out strong–happy. Low grades. Do I have to feel as if school is my only safe-net, my only friend, escape from my mental hell in order to succeed? I can’t have school friends or be interested in someone? Am I really that one-train-track minded?
I feel like a failure and it is taking up all of my strength to remind myself, It is a bad day not a bad life, Cecelia. I get so scared, though, when I think about failing more and the reaction from my parents. I try to learn from my mistakes. Yet I feel I am learning nothing. I want so badly to be, to feel, smart and time and time again I am shown I am not. Screw beauty, riches, and singing. I want to people to think, “Damn. That girl is beyond smart.” I want to feel that way. I want to not worry that way.
I feel my depression only being held back. Not gone. Like the Lexapro is just barely keeping things together, keeping me together.
I think the stress and unregistered meltdown is what got me sick. Yep. I am sick with a fever and a nasty one at that. It rises and falls throughout the day, bringing on nausea, headaches, body aches, dizziness and some memory loss. Or cutouts, like I won’t remember how I got somewhere. That happened yesterday and as I result I lost Sasha’s travel mug. I have cold and hot flashes, too. Luckily, Sash got Delsym and that knock me on my ass but broke the fever.
I am sick and I feel like a failure. I have such great aspirations but not the brainpower to achieve them or even the most average of expectations. Thank heavens for sisters and puppies.