Problems.

I have some bad news. Do to money constraints, I cannot ship everyone Christmas cookie baskets all at once. I have to do two every month. You will get the packages, though. But those who don’t get a packages right now will get a personalized letters and I don’t mean a pre-written Hallmark bullshit letter. A real letter. I am very, very sorry about this, guys. I feel like shit that I can’t send the stuff out. Those who are on the shipping list, you mean a lot to me. I wish I had the funds to do this how I had plan.
The order of sending is as follows:
December: Patricia and Jenn.
January: Abby and Rachael
February: Emily and Atlas
March: Krista and Daria

How and Why?

How do you explain to your family and friends that even though you say you’re happy, that they’re the main contributors of that happiness, but you’re still weak and yet not happy at all? How do you tell them thank you for helping you rebuild you but at the same time that one person still manages to bring every brick to rubble? How to do tell them you’re fine when you still cry yourself to sleep?
How do you explain to that one mother fucking person that you miss them and you hate them all at the same time? How do you get them to listen at all? How do you get the courage to tell them that by just the mentioning of their name makes your eyes sting and your chest twist? How do you tell them that you’re not as crazy as you seem but you’re just lonely, hurting and scared of letting someone in?

How?

Why can’t someone muster the courage to approach you when you need someone the most? Even when you are snapping, biting, kicking and screaming, why can’t someone understand that there is helplessness and desperate loneliness lying only inches underneath? Why can’t someone say, “I am here,” instead of, “Do it on your own,” like you have said a million times to them? Why can’t people forgive you for mistakes?

Why?

Thank You for Being You.

I am doing better than I have been but I’m still on the “raw” side. However, I am still doing better and I have my family and friends to thank for that.

My mom and Dad
My sisters: Abby, Rachael, Sasha and Emily
My Twin from another generation: Patricia
My brother: Jacob.
My friends I know in person: Gabrielle, Brittany, Matt, Deante and Andrew.
My wonderful Twitter friends : Jenn, Daria, Krista and Mallory

Maybe some of you know and maybe some of you don’t, but you guys have helped me so much. Thank you for being there when I needed people the most. Thank you for being the awesome people you guys are and reminding me to keep my chin up and keep going. All of you helped ease the pain and to be brutally honest, kept me from committing suicide.

So, thank you so very, very much.

Your Flaws

I have come to a realization about relationships. Mine, anyway. I wonder, and have been, “What does she have that I don’t? Why is she so special?” The thing I realized is that perhaps said girl may be more special to The Adored is because maybe it’s for that precise reason of her not having things you have. Like in my case, she doesn’t have my tendency to be crazy, paranoid, weird, laugh oddly and she doesn’t have extra fat around the edges. She is more special because she doesn’t have what I have: My flaws, which were unattractive, disconcerting or what have you to The Adored.

Scary thought, isn’t? The desire to be less than you are so you can be “worthy” of Their attention?

Change in Plans

 

Some cool, celebratory-worthy news: I am going to graduate high school in a month and I might have a job. The job thing is kind of a shocker because originally my mom vetoed the idea of me getting a job before I was done with my first semester with college. It made sense; don’t get overwhelmed so I can make good grades.

Now that’s changed. You see, I told my dad that I would be graduating and he immediately started asking me when I was going to take the test, and I better take it soon because the new semester starts soon. I told him I would take the test when I was ready, when I knew I was ready so I could get a good score on the placement test. I told him I wasn’t going to take the SAT. He started arguing that I have to and at that point I just stopped trying to argue. Out loud, anyway. He also told me that I need to learn to drive soon. I, again, told him I would learn when I was ready. I wasn’t going to rush but he said if I wanted to go to college, I needed to drive which was true but I wasn’t going to go to college right then.  He insisted that I should take the SAT and get into the spring semester.

I am not going to rush it. I have seen that plan fail hundreds of times.

But, as usual, he continued to argue some more… and it was at that point I announced I was going upstairs. I went upstairs and later fell asleep thus missing the conversation my parents had about my education. I won’t go into details but it resulted in my mom changing her mind about me getting a job and moving out as soon as possible so I would be able to choose what I wanted to major\ do what I want to do with my life.

This is exciting for me but also terrifying; exciting because this is what I have wanted to do for a while but didn’t have any support from either of my parents or family members, now I do. Terrifying because I know the reality of how hard this is going to be.

Replies and Direct Messages

Have you ever been abused by someone and as a result have all your trust in people be obliterated? I did; the abuse lasted three years and it wasn’t too long ago that I left that relationship. I haven’t quite fixed myself all the way. That relationship was closely followed by another relationship, a very recent one, which has left me in even worse shape.

The second relationship, unlike the first, was a friendship so I didn’t feel as scared as I would have if it was romantic. I started to trust again. I trusted this person with information that most of my other friends are none-the-wiser: I opened myself to this person. I was honest when they asked; I didn’t give half-stories. For the first time in a long time I relaxed and showed this person the side that normally only my family sees. That’s when things started to go horribly wrong. They saw one of my flaws. They saw my ugly side. Not my cruel side, I mean. I mean the part of me that is paranoid, anxiety ridden, barely functioning and in pain side. They saw that. They didn’t like that. I don’t really blame them, honestly, but I do hold against them the fact that when I apologized, they lied and said that everything was okay. They lied. Then that’s when things spun out of control. I started to doubt why I should trust this person and as time went on I started to realize that my trust was very misplaced. I felt like an idiot and it was almost a repeat of the previous relationship. I tried to see what I did wrong but they refused to talk to me. I got more and more upset. I felt betrayed. Violated. So I wrote this letter, to this person:

Dear You,

I trusted you. I told you things that I haven’t told any one else besides my family. You made me feel safe, like I could actually talk to you when I needed to. I don’t think you understand just how much it hurts to trust someone and then have them slap you in the face. You said things were okay when they weren’t, why? Why couldn’t you just voice what you felt, be the “no bullshit kind of guy” you say you are instead of ignoring me and making me cry myself to sleep night after night? Why did you have to make me feel like a crazy person? Why couldn’t you just talk to me? Why?
     Right now, You, I regret sharing those things, things that were precious and obscenely sensitive, with you. You didn’t deserve to know those things but I was stupid and thought your curiosity, in a way, was endearing. I regret all those long-ass emails and staying up until four a.m. on twitter and AIM. I wish the little part of me that still hopes you will email me—fuck, just talk to me—would die because I know you will never email me or talk to me but I guess I am a romantic, like you, and hope for things that are hopeless. I think I am more romantic than you are because I still try to have faith in people, even in people who continually hurt me. People who lie to me. I am going to stop now because you deserve no more words, which I love, and no more of my pain, which I wish would stop, or hoping, which is wasted. You do not deserve me.

-Your ‘home-girl’, CC, Littleinkling, Inkfey, and whatever nickname you may have for me now and any of my usernames, but more importantly:

Cecelia, who is no longer yours in any way.