Have you ever been abused by someone and as a result have all your trust in people be obliterated? I did; the abuse lasted three years and it wasn’t too long ago that I left that relationship. I haven’t quite fixed myself all the way. That relationship was closely followed by another relationship, a very recent one, which has left me in even worse shape.
The second relationship, unlike the first, was a friendship so I didn’t feel as scared as I would have if it was romantic. I started to trust again. I trusted this person with information that most of my other friends are none-the-wiser: I opened myself to this person. I was honest when they asked; I didn’t give half-stories. For the first time in a long time I relaxed and showed this person the side that normally only my family sees. That’s when things started to go horribly wrong. They saw one of my flaws. They saw my ugly side. Not my cruel side, I mean. I mean the part of me that is paranoid, anxiety ridden, barely functioning and in pain side. They saw that. They didn’t like that. I don’t really blame them, honestly, but I do hold against them the fact that when I apologized, they lied and said that everything was okay. They lied. Then that’s when things spun out of control. I started to doubt why I should trust this person and as time went on I started to realize that my trust was very misplaced. I felt like an idiot and it was almost a repeat of the previous relationship. I tried to see what I did wrong but they refused to talk to me. I got more and more upset. I felt betrayed. Violated. So I wrote this letter, to this person:
I trusted you. I told you things that I haven’t told any one else besides my family. You made me feel safe, like I could actually talk to you when I needed to. I don’t think you understand just how much it hurts to trust someone and then have them slap you in the face. You said things were okay when they weren’t, why? Why couldn’t you just voice what you felt, be the “no bullshit kind of guy” you say you are instead of ignoring me and making me cry myself to sleep night after night? Why did you have to make me feel like a crazy person? Why couldn’t you just talk to me? Why?
Right now, You, I regret sharing those things, things that were precious and obscenely sensitive, with you. You didn’t deserve to know those things but I was stupid and thought your curiosity, in a way, was endearing. I regret all those long-ass emails and staying up until four a.m. on twitter and AIM. I wish the little part of me that still hopes you will email me—fuck, just talk to me—would die because I know you will never email me or talk to me but I guess I am a romantic, like you, and hope for things that are hopeless. I think I am more romantic than you are because I still try to have faith in people, even in people who continually hurt me. People who lie to me. I am going to stop now because you deserve no more words, which I love, and no more of my pain, which I wish would stop, or hoping, which is wasted. You do not deserve me.
-Your ‘home-girl’, CC, Littleinkling, Inkfey, and whatever nickname you may have for me now and any of my usernames, but more importantly:
Cecelia, who is no longer yours in any way.